This is my first post, but I've been looking at A LOT of stats and I've seen this question or something similar close to a million times within the last few days. I myself am stuck in this exact conundrum, so I figured I would help out the Reddit community while gaining some knowledge as well. Here is a comprehensive list of season stats per team, weather conditions, and miscellaneous game info. I hope this helps most of you make a decision and brings home the chip! WEATHER:
Minnesota Vikings vs. GB Packers: DOME
Oakland Raiders @ LA Chargers: Carson, CA 1:05PT, Partly Cloudy with 50% chance of showers, 90% chance of showers (up to half inch) after 5PM. SE Winds 10-15mph.
Pittsburgh Steelers @ NY Jets: E Rutherford, NJ 10:00PT, Sunny, 46 degrees, 10% chance of precipitation. WSW Winds 5-10mph. BETTING LINES:
GB vs. MIN 46 (Vikings -5.5)
OAK vs. LAC 45.5 (Chargers -7)
PIT vs. NYJ 37 (Steelers -3) DEFENSE:
| ||Rank Against RB ||Total Rush YA ||Total Rush TD ||Avg. Rush YA Last 5 Games ||Yds Per Attempt Allowed |
|GB Packers ||26th ||1693 ||14 ||108.8 ||4.6 |
|LA Chargers ||22nd ||1544 ||11 ||103.4 ||4.1 |
|OAK Raiders ||20th ||1481 ||13 ||118.8 ||4.1 |
|NY Jets ||10th ||1243 ||12 ||101.2 ||3.3 |
- Power Success: Percentage of runs on third or fourth down, two yards or less to go, that achieved a first down or touchdown. Also includes runs on first-and-goal or second-and-goal from the two-yard line or closer. This is the only statistic on this page that includes quarterbacks.
- Stuffed: Percentage of runs where the running back is tackled at or behind the line of scrimmage. Since being stuffed is bad, teams are ranked from stuffed least often (#1) to most often (#32).
- Second Level Yards: Yards which this team's running backs earn between 5-10 yards past the line of scrimmage, divided by total running back carries.
- Open Field Yards: Yards which this team's running backs earn more than 10 yards past the line of scrimmage, divided by total running back carries.
| ||Avg. Yds Per Carry ||Power Success ||Stuffed ||2nd Level Rank ||OF Rank |
|MIN Vikings ||4.6 ||67% ||16% ||13th ||8th |
|LA Chargers ||4.2 ||67% ||19% ||18th ||18th |
|OAK Raiders ||4.3 ||60% ||17% ||19th ||19th |
|PIT Steelers ||4.56 ||52% ||24% ||24th ||24th |
Obviously, this is an opinion based on statistics and definitive assumptions that all players will be given the start (mainly referring to Boone).
Before I make my pick I will make some quick opinion notes:
- Weather should not be a factor in any of these games; however, the slight rain and shaky old man Rivers in charge of the rock, Lynn may decide to keep the ball on the ground against a forgiving Oakland defense.
- Although Conner ranks 2nd among these four options in YPC, the matchup against a stout Jets DST can cause some issues behind their weak offensive line.
- Washington is the clear main back in Oakland now, and as a Chargers fan and LA county resident, I know it'll be a Raiders final "2nd home" game.
- Conner has more receiving yards than the other three backs listed.
- Ekeler is still in the LAC backfield and has been more effective and efficient for the Chargers playbook.
- The Minnesota/GB game has the highest implied pt total which theoretically means plenty of RZ opportunities.
- Pittsburgh/NYJ has the lowest O/U and with the Steelers projected at about 22, we can assume a good chunk of those pts may come from FGs and at least 1 DST score.
All that being said, my pick to win you your championship is... Mike Boone (MIN)
: If we make our decisions based on points, defense, offensive lines, and usage, it can be assumed that Boone would have the most opportunity for points. Not only does Green Bay allow the most rushing yds to the position, but the Vikings have the perfect set up for the starting RB to have the highest opportunity for big plays/RZ conversion. Very rarely does the MIN O Line allow for RBs to lose yds, making Boone a viable option for positive gains. We don't really have a good sample size since he's the 3rd stringer; however, Zimmer likes his RBs to be identical clones even down to the hairstyle. Cook is 5'10/209 lbs, Mattison 5'11/220lbs, and Boone 5'10/205lbs. This is relevant because we can assume the usage would be similar, if not the same, as Cook. I need to clarify that I do not believe Boone is as talented or better than the other two Minnesota backs, but he is going into this game with a positive game script. Although Boone did not receive for yardage during week 15, we cannot dismiss the opportunity for rush attempt volume, goal line carries, and points allowed by defense to the RB position. If PPR is a deal breaker for you, Conner no doubt has the best hands, but we lose out on the upside of a competent OLine, playoff seeding game, and high implied point total. It should be noted that Green Bay is currently sitting 14th against the pass and 6th against the QB. In other words, Cousins will be looking to get the ball out quickly; making it safe to assume we'll see plenty of rush attempts. In the end, I truly believe Boone is the safest play this week - again, assuming all goes according to plan. Keep an eye on the reports for the rest of the week in regard to the unrevealed Mattison injury.
In the event you do not have Boone, or Mattison surprisingly makes an appearance, my ranked list is as follows (note: this list does not reflect ALL RB2/3 players - only those inquired in the comments):
- Saquon Barkley
- Derrick Henry
- Ezekiel Elliott
- Chris Carson
- Joe Mixon
- Nick Chubb
- Mark Ingram II
- Mike Boone
- Leonard Fournette
- Alvin Kamara
- Aaron Jones
- Miles Sanders
- Todd Gurley II
- Kenyan Drake
- Austin Ekeler
- Marlon Mack
- Philip Lindsay
- Lev Bell
- Devonta Freeman
I hope this helps some of you out when making a decision for this weekend. I wish you all the best of luck during your week 16 championship matchups! Let's win this thing!
Note: All data comes from AccuWeather, Football Outsiders, Fantasy Footballers, Pro Football Reference, CBS sports, and the NFL. EDIT: Thank you all for the positive feedback and faith in my research. Due to high demand, I added a number other players that were frequently asked about on this thread to the final rankings just above. Pass along edit nicely to those I have not responded to. Unfortunately, I'm on the west coast so the games will start soon. In order to get this info out to you quickly, I just added the requested players to the list at the bottom! I did the same research on the added players (e.g., weather, DST opp rank, Offensive Line rank, etc.). Good luck out there! It is the way.
Edit #2: It has come to my attention that Oakland is to be without Brown and Incognito on the O Line. Two massive parts of the Raiders offense, for that reason I moved Washington down significantly.
PRE-RAMBLE: If you don't know who I am, just skip this, honestly, you won't like it so, why bother upsetting yourself on a game day that will likely end in us being victorious. We won't have a ton of wins this year so don't bother getting confused and bummed out by my stupid shit. Just skip this. For the rest of you!! (read: for about 9 of you)
Don’t call this a comeback!!!
The reports are in; you miss me, well 4 of you miss me and that’s enough for this week at least. And to be honest, it’s probably the last of it.
Seriously, don’t this a comeback because I’m ghosting y’all after this one.
Why did I go away? Well, I’m still here I’m not just hated, a pariah even, because I have had the audacity to say that we may not be a very good football team. I only say that because our record is 4 wins 137 losses since our last Super Bowl, I think...I’m not sure though, I counted very quickly and completely in my head without checking the internet at all. I feel like I remember winning 4 games though, right? Maybe.
We seem to live in a world where you’re either called a Nazi or a Snowflake and there is no in between and that has spread to this, and every other sub. You either love the Giants and bow down to every move they make or you’re “not a real fan.” I love this team and I absolutely hate the owner and GM. Both things are possible, don’t @ me. Tase me bro, but don't @ me.
Father Tip: (I’m a dad now so I’m very wise) If you agree with anyone 100% of the time you lack intelligence or you aren’t paying attention.
To prove how much you must drink the Kool Aid there is a current post about how evil the Bad-Man-Baby-Fondler Jerry Reese was and how Poor-Old-Mr-Nice-Man Dave Gettleman is doing his, awh-shucks, best. Here’s the truth, they can both stink. One can be slightly better than the other, or they can both be decent for what they were asked to do when they were asked to do it. It’s pretty likely that they’re both okay and neither is great. Jerry Reese was the head of pro-player scouting and did a great job of bringing in talent off the streets, whereas DG was a head scout and his drafts prove that out.
We look back at Reese drafts with the benefit (really through the shit-colored glasses) of time and we look at Gettleman drafts through the lens of “if player X improves in year Y he’ll be great!” Remember how BJ Hill was going to be an All Pro player because he had a good game against the Bears last year and now he’s lost his starting job to a player who wasn’t good enough for the god damn Jets? Yeah, well remember Reuben Randle had 71 receptions for just under 1,000 yards? We are waiting to see what BJ Hill becomes and meanwhile we remember Randle as, well, not great player. In fact, most of us pretend Randle was pure trash.
I’m not saying Gettleman is a fat, worthless, arrogant, piece of shit just like I’m not saying the Reese was some smooth talking, handsome, young black man. I’m saying they’re both GMs in their respective days who, likely, should have remained scouts. Head scouts at that, but scouts because they both have strengths and weaknesses and being GMs isn't their strengths.
I always admired on Reese looked cool while making bad decisions. Thought that was fun, I wish Dave Gettleman didn’t look like an assistant, overnight manager at Duane Reade who doesn’t quite understand how pants fit.
Anyway, this is why I’m not around. I’m not around, insofar as doing these write ups, because of the decline from spirited conversation toward dogmatic hero worship. Also, John Mara is a dickless turtle who should get fucked in his ear until his brain starts making better decisions about his billion dollar product.
Also, this post is in response to a “what happened to him” post. Many of you have come to this sub after I stopped posting these so, for you, just know that I’m just some old fuck waving his cane at the internet. If anything these posts started as well crafted scouting reports with lots of dumb jokes and they slowly turned into drunken jokes with very few “facts” thrown in just to keep me honest (I was never honest, I’m not a reporter and nobody is fact checking me. I'm just an asshole who drinks too much.)
Anyway this is for jimhenderson novelliant hollenb1 stevo2115 elkgravey starvinart
/uTheMisterIt and thatsyurblood
even though he’s just here for the nintendo of it all – and especially for glaci0us
who can’t get my fucking user name right. GIANTS VS JETS RIVALRY
The Giants lead the all time series 8-5. What? Seriously? 13 whole fucking games? Why do people call this a rivalry? We’re in different divisions. We’ve never played a meaningful game against each other. We share the worst stadium in the league. Seriously, I’ve been to prisons, for work, all up and down the Hudson river and the ugliest prison I saw was MetLife Stadium.
The Snoopy Bowl??? Shut. The. Fuck. Up. First of all, Snoopy didn’t ever play football, if he weren't a cartoon he'd be a god damn dog. Charlie Brown at least tried to be a kicker but that stupid asshole Violet Gray, was a worse holder than Tony Romo in the playoffs and kept ruining it for Charlie. Seriously, that little girl charged for Psychiatry? You need a license for that shit and also, you’re mean to everyone and you’re a terrible person; what makes you think you could be a therapist?! Fuck her, fuck Snoopy, fuck corporate sponsored stadiums that still ask for tax dollars to be built, and fuck that giant cement turd in the middle of a swamp that has fancy blue or green lights depending on the Sunday. Fuck sharing. Especially fuck sharing with a redneck cousin, which is essentially what the Jets are.
Hey Jets, why don’t you move to Staten Island like the trash that you are.
(Note: I have only been to Staten Island once and found it lovely. This joke was cheap and doesn’t really mean much of anything so don’t get all offended like a whiny turd.)
If anything this is a sibling rivalry, at best. That is, if your younger sibling had just barely enough geneses to be considered a human – but definitely not the right amount. Having to share a stadium with these fucking turds is like when your mom bought you a new video game and half an hour into playing it she’s all like; “Okay, TheMisterIt
let’s let your brother try it too.” And it’s like; “hey bitch, did you buy it for me or for thatsyurblood
? Because you go away for 8-10 hours a day to work and for those hours I don’t have a mother, so maybe you could tell that job to give you enough money to buy 2 god damn video games. Hey, why don’t you take off your pants and send them to Aunt Carol...I think she should have a turn! You’ve had them on long enough.”
Or you know, maybe you have a better relationship with your mother, what do I know?
Point is, we don’t really hate the Jets for being the Jets, if anything we should hate that our parents are too god damn cheap to move us to our own apartments. Stick the Giants in Brooklyn, or Queens, or Meadowlands on the Hudson, leave us in Northern Jersey – I don’t care, just give us our own home and put a fucking roof on it so you can make money in the winter, you stupid, too proud to be “old school” morons.
“Why would we want to sell out our stadium in February for a Billy Joel concert followed by a week of sold Taylor Swift concert, when instead we can keep a roof off of it and make it look like a computer generated stadium in Madden ‘95?” says Mara, who I remind you, is dickless.
Let’s never forget that John Shitfuck Mara is the cowardly turtle grandson of a great man who gambled and cheated his way into being a very rich man. He was a god damn gangster! Meanwhile Little Johnny is all mushy mouthed and says things like; “mmmmmmmmI don’t know….I mean…..if the fans are sad about Eli not playing maybe I should hire a GM 100% based on the idea that he still thinks Eli is cute enough to get us wins.”
That’s not the apple falling far from the tree, it’s the apple falling off the tree and crying despite the fact that it is, in fact, an apple and not a human.
And shut up...I love Eli. I would encourage my wife blow him for 17 days straight if it meant he was able to stand in the pocket over the past 4 years and deliver the football like he knows he should have. But that just wasn’t going to happen because he was “seeing ghosts.” Or no wait, he was seeing actual players who were actually destroying him because he actually had an actually terrible offensive line. Just like Danny Dimes does currently.
The difference is Eli know AARP and Danny never lived in a world where he had to yell at one of his 93 siblings to get off the phone because he wanted to look up “key words: Bewbs.” The translation to that is Eli would die if he were hit and Danny is too young to know that he's slowly dying by playing football.
Rivalry? Nope. I don’t buy it. I don’t like them because growing up they were on TV after the Giants and it put me to sleep because I grew up in the era when the Jents sucked...which is every era save for about 6 seasons sprinkled in since they became a franchise. A NOTE TO MR. BARKLEY, RB DAD
I used to have a father. He didn’t care about me much. We’d talk once in a while. But if I were good at anything in this world, which I am not, and found success in it, which I never will - he would come on board and support me and I have absolutely no questions about that.
Meanwhile, Saquon’s father is going to wear a fucking Jets jersey? How god damn pathetic is that?
This legit, all bullshit aside, makes me very sad for both of them. I don’t know their relationship and maybe it’s not my place to be sad for them but god damn it sounds fucking awful to have your own father at your game openly only half routing for you.
Of course Saquon is a home run hitter. Of course he’s also trying to turn a 2 yard gain into a TD, he grew up watching the Jets so from age 5 through 19 he only say 4 touchdowns scored by his favorite team. And his dad is a bigger fan of that than he is of his fully grown, other-worldly sperm.
I have a daughter and whatever she wants to do, I’ll support her. If she’s like; “Dad, I want to do porn because blowing penises is the greatest thing in the world so I’ve signed with Vivid Entertainment.” I will run out, that same day and get my Brazzers Tattoo removed. Or at least covered up.
I get that our fandom runs deep but if your a bigger fan of a jersey (that has different people wearing it every single year) than you are of the person your wife spent 2 years carrying and feeding from her body...a child who you worked your ass off to protect and love, if that jersey means more to you than that kid...I don't know man. I'm just sad as fuck for you.
(I looked up his name this morning and now I forgot it and I don’t want to spend another second thinking about him so that's why I didn't name him. I cannot stress this enough, this story breaks my heart for Saquon and Saquon is my dude so I’m now forever mad at his father on his behalf. We don’t know how much our parents have fucked us up until after they’re gone for a while and we do a lot of work on it - likely in therapy. This is definitely damaging to Saquon no matter what he says or even if he doesn’t realize it yet. His father is actively putting a sport above his family. That’s the least manly thing I’ve ever heard. It’s also the least motherly thing I’ve ever heard but in this case we aren’t talking about chicks brah. We’ll talk about chicks later )
WHEN THE JETS HAVE THE BALL
Imagine the scene, 3 years ago, Ben RoethlisDouble!uarterPounderWithCheeseAndSexualAssault, Antonio BrownSoundAlsoWithSexualAssault, and Le’vitation Bell were all on the same team and that team still couldn’t win it all. Imagine how difficult it would be for future Inbredskin’s coach Mike Epps to hold all that together without incident or really any meaningful victories with that talented and insane crew.
(Note the Inbredskins are so fucking stupid I bet Danny Snybro would actually hire Mike Epps just because he looks like that Pittsburg bro.)
Now imagine you were the best part of that trio and you spend an entire year not playing so you could be rewarded handsomely the following year. Only to be rewarded by being sent off to the ugly step-brother of NY, in a team who hired a coach seemingly just to make Pat Shurmur look like a genius by comparison. You almost have to feel bad for Bell but then again, he’s pretty fucking rich so he's clearly winning over us mere non-sports playing assfarts.
The Jests offense is as bad as they come, literally they're worst in the league in YPG, 2nd to last in PPG at 12 fucking points per game...what?! That's so bad it sounds fake and yet, somehow, as if by magic and cancer Washington is even worse.
They have decent skill players though. Sam Darnold was set back in his progression a bit this season by a few things; firstly he had his open mouth kiss and it made his tummy hurt so he had to take some time off, secondly Adam Gase sucked Peyton Manning’s dick into a 2nd head coaching job, and thirdly he might be fat? I don’t know. He’s got the round stupid face of a much fatter human. Is that why he sucks now? Will someone please tell me if he’s fat or if his face is just an inflatable safety device. Tell me!!!
By the way I rather like the new NY Jeff’s uniforms, they’re pretty cool. It’s the best part about their team. It’s almost like they’re not a bottom 5 organization in every single possible way – but they are. “Hey we may suck forever but check out this new shade of green!!” Fuck me, I fell for it. I like it.
Jesus. That was exhausting. Almost as exhausting as it would be to pretend that I’ve watched the Jeffs play a single game this season. I used to watch the team we were going to face every weekend before we faced them. But that was when I did this scouting reports before. I didn’t know I was going to write this up until there was a post BEGGGING (read: not a single person suggested) that I do another one. Also, last week they played the Dolphins. I picked the Dolphins in a survivor pool. That’s how little I think of the Jets. And yet, I’m scared we find a way to lose this game.
- They have Robby Anderson who can flat out fly, the danger is that he can never reach top speed because he’s too thin and the breeze it creates by running actually will lift him off the ground. He has a 49% catch rate so, when Sam The Virgin throws the ball towards Bob there is an equal chance he catches the ball as there is a chance that he catches Mono.
- Jamison Crowder is pretty much the definition of a store brand slot receiver. He is to slot receivers what Jamison is to whiskey; he’s fine if he’s your first slot receiver and you plan on growing out of him in a few years and moving on to something that doesn’t taste like the mouth of a college junior girl who thought she was supposed to gain a freshman 15 each semester for her first 3 years. And if this is all triggering for you, don’t worry, you’ll grow out of liking Jamison or you’ll just have to admit that you’re a coward with shit tastes.
- Demariyius Thomas is on the team and you shouldn’t care, the Jeffs certainly don’t care why would you?
- Le’Veon B’e’ll’ is ave’raging 3.3 ya’rds p’er carr’y. Pro’bably h’is care’er wo’rst b’ut ‘I don’t fel’l l’ike loo’king ‘it u’p. N’o ma’tter h’ow yo’u sli’ce ‘it, ‘ it’ ‘is li’kely hi’s wor’st s’easo’n b’ut, I f’eel li’ke a’ny s’ea’so’n y’ou sp’end ‘on th’e fo’otball M’et’s is’n’t g’oin’g t’o b’e grea’t. H’e sti’ll ca’tches a’ lo’t ‘of pa’sses.
Anyway, Dam Sarnold is fine, I feel bad because Adam Gase may look like 3rd act of Philadelphia Tom Hanks but he coaches like first act of Forrest Gump Tom Hanks and that’s holding Samwise Darngy back...is he fat!? Is Sam Darnold fucking chubby or not!?
- Sam Darnold will always be hated by a large portion of the Giants fan base because the other portion thought we should have drafted a QB so the portion who didn’t think we should draft a QB because Saquon Barkley is a generational talent, well that group now hates Darnold because if it turns out Darnold is good they may not have been right and if you find that confusing to follow it should be because literally none of it matters. Sam Heyarnold is a decent football quarterback who will likely get better and he will be one of the top QBs in the league at some point, never a top 5 but neither was Eli. He’ll be a really decent QB though. He’s also much more mobile than people think; mostly because he’s white and you’ve been conditioned by ESPN or NFL Network, or by talk radio or podcasts, or however you choose to pass the meaningless time in your meaningless life (I LIKE THE BACHELOR!!! ;) that white = non-athlete, despite the fact that there are literally dozens of examples of that being wrong, in just the last 100 years alone!!
What to say about Adam Gase that has already been said by your asshole the morning after drinking 47 Bud Lights, eating a slice of pizza and then deciding that you should chase that down with an entire pizza but you’re going to cover it with hot sauce and then that hot sauce giving you a second wind so you drink 13 IPAs and think greasy ass chicken wings will really mend this bridge so you won’t fee sick the next day, and you smoke a joint a fall asleep. Then you wake up and think; “this is very much not my bed and this is very much not my home, I’ve got to get out of here.” You sit up and your head feels like a camera just pulled in tight on your face while playing a sad trombone into “Mad World” the Gary Jules version. You can barely stand, let alone sneak around. But when you get to your feet you realize, whomever’s home this is, you’re going to have to pay a visit to the toilet before you...no! You can’t!!! So you dash out of the house, half dressed, half retarded, and half dead – look at the sun because suddenly you think you’ll have a directional sense of where your home is, knowing that has never been the case before.
You stumble a block or two and you run into your cuntiest Aunt. Aunt Carol and you say; “Oh wow, nice pants!” And she says they were your mothers but she sent them randomly one day then she says she’s so glad you could make it to the brunch.
You think; “Brunch?” not realizing you said it aloud and she says; “Yeah, for Stacy’s wedding, it’s at the diner here.” You think about how that’s definitely a breakfast and not a brunch but you look up to see the diner and theres your god damn grandmother and she looks at you like a child at a puppy on Christmas so you have to go now. So you choke a turd back up into your asshole by about 4 feet and you put on a smile. “Hi Nana,” you say because despite being nearly 80 she says “grandma” makes her “feel old.” You go in, sit down and immediately order a coffee. You take three sips and it triggers something deep inside you and you stand to go to the bathroom but your stomach only allows you half stand, half crouch, you yell something about back pain as you shuffle to the bathroom, which is more spacious than you anticipated. You run for the first stall you see, it’s gross, there’s a swastika carved in the seat and slightly more piss on the seat than there is fresh water remaining on the Earth so you rip your pants down and hover, you’re barely aimed correctly as you start to fire and quickly learn why there’s often shit up the back of the bowl.
You ruin it. The toilet will never again be the same. You feel lighter. You’ve feel like you’ve shed the memories of 6 exes. And you hear a slightly southern voice on the other side of the stall saying; “hell yeah dude, that sounds amazing, get after it!” You wipe..you wipe again...fuck it, you wipe until you bleed and when you exit he’s still standing there, slowly clapping. It’s Peyton Manning. He’s the only person who appreciates Adam Gase and now you finally know why.
That toilet. That’s Adam Gase. (Imagine that were a port-a-potty instead of a diner, and you have Ben McAdoo.)
We’re similar offenses:
Oof, shall we talk about our defense here? Betcher was hired because he blitzed all the time in Arizona. Now he never blitzes. In part because why would he even bother? We can rush 11 and QBs still stand in there and have time to let the play develop. Our defensive roster is so gross that I actively spend a majority of my week drowning myself to try to induce some sort of water-logged-brain-CTE situation.
- Bob Andy is a deep threat, so is Darius Slayton – advantage Jeffs, as neither can “catch the ball” but at least one has experience.
- Golden Tate and TheMaryLess Thomas both used to be viable NFL WR’s. Neither can separate anymore but both are good at making contested catches. Tate offers more after the catch, he’s the better player. Advantange; Patriots, Broncos, Eagles, Seahawks, and Lions for saying goodbye to them when the time was appropriate...but also us.
- Bad Whiskey and Shepard would be the comp normally and they’re pretty even players if you are honest about who Shepard is as a player, and we generally speaking as a group are not honest about that. We tend to look at him as one of the best slot receivers in the league and he’s top 15 for sure but not a game changer in any situations so far in his career. But, Shepard is out, so Fowler? Latimer? Does it matter? Nope. Advantage Jerks.
- Bell and Barkley are both great backs who can do everything...other than Barkley who cannot pass protect to save
his Danny’s life. Barkley is the better player at this point but his ankle clearly isn’t 100% and Shurmur clearly doesn’t know how to use a dynamic RB. They would both be amazing with different coaching but still, due to the ankle, it’s pretty much a wash. Though Barkley offers a dynamic play or two where B’ell really only offers consistently good runs...but not really at all this year. Advantage Giants but slighter than a healthy Barkley would give us.
- Dimes vs Mono. There is a pro-Grundleman faction of this sub that will not have made it this far anyway, so let’s just be honest, it’s a wash. Yes, we know know that D’arnold Palmer believes in ghosts, which is pretty fuckin lame, so that hurts him. They both could end up being very good QBs, let’s stop pretending that, just because he’s maybe fat? I don’t know, is he? ...let’s stop pretending Sammy Makeout Darnold has no shot of being a good QB just to fit a narrative of how we shouldn’t have drafted him. Listen up dummies; “WE DIDN’T DRAFT HIM, IT’S OVER, YOU CAN CALM DOWN NOW!!!” - the guy who used all caps. Just because you need to justify taking Barkley over a QB doesn’t change the fact that they both show flashes of being very good and flashes of a broken gif of a toilet flushing. They’re young QBs. That’s how it works.
We haven’t drafted a good linebacker since I started ejaculating...I’m 40. We had a decent safety who left to get overpaid, fair. Fine. But we replaced him with CC Brown from the Browns and went and signed CC Brown from the Cardinals. I hope that Peppers ends up being a spicy player who is nothing to sneeze at but right now, he’s just a guy who is likely to be ground up in the passing game. I hope that Bethea goes away. And he will but not after really hurting us this year.
Janory Jenky has officially lost the right to be called Jckrbbit because he stinks and refuses to try for more than 10-15 plays a game. Baker’s problem in the draft was that people thought he lacked effort and relied on his natural talents to get by...it sure would be nice to at least see those natural talents that they were talking about.
Actually, I came on the board recently to defend him a bit, he’s done much, much better over the past few weeks. He still hasn’t been very good but he’s been better and that’s all I really want; to see the young players improve. So stop saying “this year is about getting better” and then also arguing that Baker is a piece of shit. Sure, he’s not great but he’s literally doing the one thing we all want. Imagine that, the president of the Dave Gettleman is a Fat Shit Fan Club defending a Dave Fat Shit Gettleman draft pick!!! It’s almost as if there is nuance in the world...who would have thunk it?
I have been told by many people that we have linebackers on our roster but I have seen no evidence of this.
I refuse to believe it/acknowledge them. Some players have LB numbers but really are playing DE in sub and those guys are Lorenzo “if he improves in year 2 we’ll be fine at edge rusher” Carter who has not really imporved at all in year two but has 2.5 sacks and 8 QB hits. Oshane “I know he went to small school but he’s going to be the steal of the draft” Ximines who has not really been much of a steal but played almost exactly to the level at which he was drafted, has 2 sacks and 4 QB. And Markus “Hey, alright!” Golden who leads the way with 5.5 sacks, 13 QB hits and gives more effort than just about anyone on the team.
(note: I think DG stinks at evaluating pro-level players and is a very, very excellent college scout. I think that he’s fantastic at drafting talent but it isn’t always the talent the team needs because he’s not great at roster construction. I’m very vocal about all of this as you’ve seen. And yet, I think signing Golden was a great move and he was absolutely right and I was absolutely wrong. Guess what; it’s okay to be wrong! Humility, especially when it’s involving something we have zero effect on, should be/can be easy.)
(Note on that note: part of why I didn’t want to do these is because I knew I’d use them to lecture at some point...sorry about that. Could delete it but I won’t because, let’s be honest, I really never edited these all that much and I’ve also preached a bunch in other spots too. Whatever. You can stop reading at any point.)
DL: one of the funniest things I read was about how Leonard Williams was telling his Giants’ teammates all about the Jats. I can only imagine that there is “Hard Knocks” style room where the entire team is sitting, knock on wood if you know what I mean, and Williams raises his hand in the air.
Head Coach Patrick J. (don’t know his middle initial) Shurmburn is like; “yes, Lenny?” Knock on wood if you like calling him Lenny.
Lenny; “Yo, coach, I think I know a thing or two about the BasicallyDolphins, if you know what I mean,” and an 80’s style laugh track plays out of nowhere, knock on wood if you feel me.
He comes to the front of the room and he looks very seriously at each player, which takes a long time because there are about 90 people in the room with the practice players, coaching staff, training staff, and a woman named Margo who just hangs around whenever they let her. Lenny is a bit shy but he clears his throat, looks down and collects himself before looking back up and saying; “they are pretty bad at football...um..that’s pretty much it.”
Knock on wood if you think the Raider’s season of Hard Knocks was the worst one ever.
Our DL is pretty decent. There isn’t a single player on it that really scares you but there are good players across the board. BJ Hill had a good game against the Bears last year, Dexter Lawrence is the Odell Beckham of DTs, Dalvin Tomlinson was drafted by Jerry Reese so you probably hate him, and RJ McIntosh tricks you every time you see him because you’re like; “90? Is that...oh no, wait though, who the fuck is it?”
Honestly, Lawrence was a frustrating draft pick and I was totally wrong, it looks like he’s going to be a complete stud.
WHEN THE GIANTS HAVE THE BALL
The line was together for every game this season, proving once again that consistency is the most important element to having a great offensive line...not counting “having good players.” Remmers will likely miss this game because his back has been broken since we last drafted a good LB and Halapio is out with Halitosis. That means we get to see...oh it probably won’t matter, if I’m being honest. Remmers has been bad and Halapio has been pronounced differently by every announcer this year and that’s about all we can say positive about him. I guess Gates and Pulley will get the start. Pulley is just as good as Talapia and Gates is, I mean who the fuck knows really?
Also out; Sterling Shepard and Evan Engram who are the only two pass catchers on the Giants to create any separation at all this season. Even still, it was about 9 yards.
And as I mentioned earlier, Saquon isn’t 100% and that’s clear by looking at him, watching him, touching him, and smelling him; and legally that’s all I’m allowed to do to him until I eventually take my fight all the way to the Supreme Court. Just let me taste the man! How will that hurt anyone?!
I think, lowkey, we really miss Corey Coleman. He would be our best KR, though Latimer did well in that role last week, and he would be a good outside receiver. No offense to Slayton, Latimer, and Fowler but they aren’t very good at football. They’re good at football, clearly, they’re in the NFL, actually they’re great at football, until you compare them to other NFL players and that’s when it all starts to fall apart for them. Maybe Slayton turns himself into a player, but I think we’re seeing what he is; he has the ability to make dynamic and great catches and follows that up with not being able to track the ball at all – which oddly has happened to him like at least 5 times since pre-season. I’ve never seen that before. He’s a fantastic athlete though and a bubble screen or a tap pass/reverse would be great to see. But Patricia is bad a play calling and utilizing the talent he has.
I hope I’m wrong about Slayton but I think he’ll be a rookie contract value guy who maybe sticks around for another season after that – which isn’t bad for a late draft pick like him. He’s certainly not going to win us any games this year by just taking over. And we really need that this week. We need some WR to really, really show up. So that really puts a lot on Tate.
Golden Tate he’s still a good player. He’s not super dynamic but he can catch and can run after the catch. He doesn’t get much seperation and we play him on the outside too much but I bet he gets 6 receptions because in 4/6 games this year he’s had 6 receptions so it seems like a decent guess.
CJ Mosley is the starting MLB and he’s out of this game. But he’s only played in 2 games this year so it won’t likely matter one way or the other. A sign of bad linebacker play is when safeties lead the team in tackles which Bethea and Peppers do for us. A very confusing stat is when your corners lead the team in tackles, which is the case for the Jetserbockers. How? Why? It’s not like teams have had to pass against them. So why do their corners lead their team in tackles? It has to be an awful sign.
They do have Jamal Adams who is a very good player that we are all thankful doesn’t have a star on the side of his helmet. That’s a good thing. We don’t need the Cowboys to be better at football. They’re already above average and we haven’t seen that since Tony Romo held that field goal just slightly off and the ball fell, and everything went to shit and fuck the Cowboys.
Gregg Williams is the DC in well, in our building but on off days. He’s clearly and obviously a scumbag, a bad person, and has horrible hair for a man his age. He’s also aggressive and not smart. He is known for having middle of the road defenses no matter what his roster is. He also runs a lot of 0 blitzes, which is just man to man and you send everyone else. It’s called a 0 blitz because that’s how much imagination it took to design it; zero. Fuck Gregg Williams. Did you know the extra G in Gregg stands for Fuck Gregg Williams? He’s still serving his life-time ban from coaching in the NFL, I think. I don’t really know.
Let’s talk Danny real quick. I like the kid. Okay...hows that? Enough? No? Okay fine.
Danny Dimes is great, or at least he will be great, or at least he might be great someday, or at least he’ll have great games from time to time. I don’t know. You don’t know. Nobody really knows. He has a problem turning the ball over. He fumbles and throws picks all too often. The interceptions don’t really bother me so much honestly. I’ve grown accustomed to them. It’s really the fumbles. Maybe he should put a glove on like Eli did to show; “I’m not really doing much to fix this but now the papers will leave me alone.”
It’s hard for me to say this, I think Danny may end up being better than Eli someday, I think he’ll reach higher highs. Oh, it doesn’t matter for tomorrow though.
He should be able to move the ball against the Getts.
Saquon is needed, so is Gallman. Honestly, Saquon is hurt and we don’t need a guy to run for 50 yards we need a guy who can run for 5 yards a pop so maybe, just maybe, until our #2 – all world running back is healthy we should use him sparingly. Especially since Gallman is better than people think. He’s a good player. Let him get the run. Meanwhile, Saquon is 35% of our future, Dimes is 40%, and 25% is full of players who aren’t on our roster and our guards. Engram and Shepard may be a part of this but I think Shep is starting to look at the short end of a short career and Engram is like Percy Harvin so much that I half expect him to beat the shit out of Golden Tate out of nowhere.
Also, Evan Engram smokes more weed than anyone reading this right now. There’s no way that dude doesn’t get high as fuck all the time. I love it! I love weed. We should all get high all the time. The world is a dystopian nightmare and weed helps you forget that for about 7 seconds and that’s pretty great. So does beer. I also love beer. But that shit is making me fat.
Wait, wasn’t I supposed to talk about Saquon? Meh, whatever, he’s fucking amazing, we all know that. He’s better when he tries to run for 8 yards as opposed to 80 but whatever, watching him run for 80 yards once in a while is so much god damn fun. I love watching him run. Watching him run is like watching Eli throw the sideline pass to Manningham in the last game we won. It’s like watching Sunday Night Football and knowing, deep in your heart, that Rodney Harrison still thinks about David Tyree catching that pass in the 2nd to last game we ever won.
Honestly I think of Saquon as I did Odell. They’re so god damn amazing that I don’t think we deserve them. Hear me out! We haven’t had a skilled position Hall of Famer (non-QB) since Frank Gifford. Yeah. That’s right. And we’ve got 2 in the Hall of Fame. Listen, I’m not saying that OBJ and Saquon are hall of famers, but they have the talent to be those and the only players we’ve had that even had that talent (again – non-QB because QB is about wins and that’s fucking stupid however you slice it) are Tiki and Shockey. And you guys hate them both. So I don’t know what to even tell you about that.
Anyway, growing up in the 80’s and 90’s I felt more nervous when our team was on offense because that’s when bad things happened. Defense, we always had good players and we made plays. So still, even now, when we have highly dynamic offensive skill players it feels wrong to me. Anyway, it feels so conflicting to have great offensive players. We deserve Reuben Randle and Sterling Shepard, decent players with obvious flaws. I don’t know, we’re the Giants, we’re the only blue collar thing left in NY. And when we have fancy ass players like Saquon it feels like new Manhattan.
I’m not really focusing on the game because this will be my last write up. So I’m just spilling it all out. Why not right? This shit is taking forever! Fuck it, let’s end it.
I really ran out of steam on the offense part because I've had a shit day. So let's just rapid fire some of this in hopes that it will make up for it all.
Those sucked...I've lost it!
- Danny Dimes has the balls of a much older man. He clearly has a problem with them dropping into the toilet when he shits. The dude stands in the pocket like a warrior...a brave and very, very dumb warrior. Today should be his easiest test of the year, easier probably than playing the Duke scout team.
- Saquon's quads are the only thing large than Danny's balls.
- Shepard should retire before his brain turns into gravy. Have you seen his wife? His life is pretty great, call it a night bro! Football is fun but jesus fuck.
- Engram is the 4th member of Cypress Hill and I have proof.
- I don't have proof.
- Nate Solder is like an Army Ranger and he knows that there is no I in solder and also when you leave out the I it makes the word completely different and he's not an Army Ranger, he's rather a soft metal who fucking sucks at football. God damn he makes me mad.
- I hope Will Hernandez fights everyone today. I love that dude. He's the dirty, gross lineman that we've lacked since Rich Suebert was out there secretly ripping people's dicks off under the piles.
- We have the better coach!!! Oh man, I don't know when this will happen again, other than the Inbredskins. So we need to win this shit.
- Saquon goes for about 80 yards but gets in the end zone, so does Gallman
- Danny fumbles but has zero picks!!! Hooray!!!
- Tate has 6 receptions
- Fowler has a TD
- Peppers will have another great game, his 2nd of
his career the season
- Giants win 27-18 but it will feel much closer than that because we can’t have nice things
This wasn’t fun to write and I absolutely guarantee the following comments in some form or another:
These used to be fun. Sorry that they aren’t anymore, if anyone else wants to take them on – they’re all yours.
- “What the hell was this”
- “hahahah tl/dr”
- “I stopped reading at _____”
- anger about Dettleman...or Darnold being decent….or just anger about disagreeing with me, which you should disagree with me, that’s how this works. But getting angry about it is pathetic.
GIANTS WIN!!! GIANTS WIN!!! AND IF THEY DON’T, THEY MIGHT NOT FOR THE REST OF THE YEAR!!!
love you all.
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